I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
