youre lurking in front of me
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize