i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
