I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
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Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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