Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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