So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
