i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
