Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
