I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
