I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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