So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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