i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize