just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
