I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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