So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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