and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
