Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ketchup is God's man juice
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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