my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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