The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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