I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
