dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
