apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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