just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
