Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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