Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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