You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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