people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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