Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
