last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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