some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
