Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
