you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i out mim tonsoeep
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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