Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
