is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
why didn't you poke me back
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
