my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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