'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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