Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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