Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
