so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
