i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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