Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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