I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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