well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
