Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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