We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
