Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
