I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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