Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
