Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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