No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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