WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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