she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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