my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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