I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
