It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
