If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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