Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
