I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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