First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So here I am, sexting at work.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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