last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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