I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
