K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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