Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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