We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
