My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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